a haunting

I can't help but notice that someone I love is being haunted by death.
and it's not someone u might expect. it is someone very young and thoughtful and funny and bright and talented and beautiful. but death seems to follow him like a shadow.

I don't know if he has noticed it, or what he makes of it in his impressionable young mind. I won't use his name or make any direct reference. it is someone I see only infrequently, maybe a few times a year & even during those times i've noticed on each occasion, if the attention is too focused between us, odd things start to happen. he rides in my car and suddenly the automatic windows stop working and the door jams shut. on a second occasion the driver's side front tire blew and flew off completely! these things happen separated in time & only when he visits.. I don't believe in coincidences so the occurrences struck me as odd, but then I realized how frequently people around him & especially close to him have dropped dead from sudden heart-attacks or brain hemorrhages, or other peculiar sudden natural circumstances.

I do not feel he is in any way to blame, don't get me wrong.. quite the contrary. he often suffers most directly from the losses. it is as if death uses his bright shining hopefulness as bait for life's weary travelers whose time has come. it is tragic & extreme almost to the point of comedy.. I don't know if anyone else has noticed this except me. no one who knows me that well reads this blog, and I dare not share this little insight.

I am sometimes given to.. I don't know what to call it.. I will use the word premonition for lack of a better word.. but I think in this case the better word is insight, and I know what I see goes beyond what people call coincidence without giving away too much detail..

*sigh* what does one do when someone you love dearly is being haunted by death? ha! the answer is nothing.. but continue to love him. it is not as if the boy's dark spectre of a friend can be shaken off by any of us.. but I am not too keen on riding him around in my car any more than necessary. :)

on relating

so on this idea of relationships.. now I am focusing not on relationships as static concepts, but on relating as a dynamic.

I think this has been in the works for some time now, perhaps starting with ambc. I feel I learn a lot in relating to her. I think this approach could serve me well in relating to others too.. especially where there are challenges.

it's difficult not to conceptualize a relationship. just as it is to not conceptualize a human being, & instead to relate to what is presented in the moment without being mired in past formulations. this applies too in relating to self.

not a lot to think about. I suppose it is just a a matter of remembering to practice as the opportunites are presented.

how does one strike balance between remembering, and relating not based on the past, nor on hopes for the future (desire) for that matter?

I am not trying to abolish desire. desire is the thing that moves us forward, pushes the limits of existence. to reject desire is no more relevant than to become lost in it. it is the space between the two that is elusive.

I find that I am filled with desire even when in the moment, I want for nothing. it is like being balanced on an invisible thread, without fear of falling.. only feeling yourself there, suspended, timeless.

sometimes I don't know why I bother to write about these things. I guess there is an impetus for self-expression. that is enough of a reason. maybe no different from the reason we are here. :)