[self]contained

just thinking..
i can try to make [my]life mean something
[i]feel a [desire]for meaning..
i can [try]fulfilling [this]desire..
by creating some [image]of my[self]
or by [work]ing
or by [play]ing
by creating [some]thing
any[thing]
even this
[thought]

on relating

so on this idea of relationships.. now I am focusing not on relationships as static concepts, but on relating as a dynamic.

I think this has been in the works for some time now, perhaps starting with ambc. I feel I learn a lot in relating to her. I think this approach could serve me well in relating to others too.. especially where there are challenges.

it's difficult not to conceptualize a relationship. just as it is to not conceptualize a human being, & instead to relate to what is presented in the moment without being mired in past formulations. this applies too in relating to self.

not a lot to think about. I suppose it is just a a matter of remembering to practice as the opportunites are presented.

how does one strike balance between remembering, and relating not based on the past, nor on hopes for the future (desire) for that matter?

I am not trying to abolish desire. desire is the thing that moves us forward, pushes the limits of existence. to reject desire is no more relevant than to become lost in it. it is the space between the two that is elusive.

I find that I am filled with desire even when in the moment, I want for nothing. it is like being balanced on an invisible thread, without fear of falling.. only feeling yourself there, suspended, timeless.

sometimes I don't know why I bother to write about these things. I guess there is an impetus for self-expression. that is enough of a reason. maybe no different from the reason we are here. :)

impermanence

so I woke up today thinking about impermanence.. and this put in my mind images evoked by a friend's mention of the aghories who frequent cremation grounds in india. I happened upon a couple of videos documenting the aghories incorporating human remains into their worship rituals..


I thought about the stark contrast of this open embrace of impermanence as compared with western culture's denial of death and the impermanent nature of all forms. In the west, death is mostly hidden from view, but in the world of the aghories it is accepted and incorporated into life.. even to the point of sometimes consuming the bodies of the dead, or adorning yourself with their remains. I suppose the closest we get in the west to an acknowledgement of impermanence is the mass bombardment of CSI-type tv dramas.

Not to romanticize this infatuation with holiness anymore than to glorify an infatuation with worldliness. both represent attachment of the ego to some ideal. both exist in time. any path that is separate from its destination may be just another obstacle to the always immediate realization truth.

At some point there is no desire to overcome fears nor habits; no desire for trinkets, nor to distinguish oneself with costume, nor colors, nor letters, nor words.. no desire to go beyond the present moment, nor to dwell within it.

I don't know what is the point of writing this other than perhaps to say I find the aghories comforting in that they provide a kind of counter-balance to the vast materialism that consumes us much the same as the aghories consume the bodies of the dead. perhaps oddly, i'm not offended by their consumption. I suppose in this world where I am still frustrated by desire, it's comforting to know that eventually, I & everything I covet will disintegrate into dust & fly away on the wind.